(Denver, April 1) President Obama pledged today, "GM Hummers patrolling U.S. borders will never be made in Japan. Remember Pearl Harbor." The U.S. teleprompter-in-Chief also advocated Manifest Destiny South and a defensible border at Panama.
"Remember the Alamo, this is evolution! Adding a star to Old Glory gives America unfettered access to Mexico's beaches, natural resources, and hookers. They get our public schools and craigslist."
Meanwhile, Colorado Governor Bill Ritter announced, "in-state tuition is available to everyone except Nebraskans." Citing amnesty and legalization as his 2012 campaign for the presidency evolves, Ritter made a single-digit peace gesture towards Nebraska, and pledged they will be allowed to cultivate medical marijuana.
"Pot will become available through fees, not taxes, and regulated to dosages benefiting less than four hours. For effects lasting more than four hours call your doctor." Ritter cited as legal precedent the dosage of Viagra but questioned whether the drug is performance-enhancing or recreational.
Perennial candidate Steve Schweitzberger, citing his need of added protection allowed candidates (due to something he said or will say) announced for governor proclaiming: "Giving education benefits to a trespasser is like setting the dinner table for a burglar, and Colorado can grow pot if Nebraska can."
Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, fearing loss of the cover of remaining newspapers, called Jay Cutler a "pantywaist" and said he will trade for a QB who abuses women or steroids, but not insulin.